MOMMY, HE HIT ME!: Angela De Joseph details her story of
abuse.
Angela de Joseph
.jpg) I
don't know what happened between Chris Brown and Robyn (Rhianna)
Fenty. But, I know what happened to me.
I got a call one day from a family friend. I remember
having a crush on him when I was a teenager. I have
always been a romantic idealist, so I thought the fact
we had met in New York twenty years earlier and we were
both now living in Los Angeles and single, meant
something.
This is a long story. As a matter of fact, it is the
subject of a feature film script I wrote called "What's
Done In The Dark." So I won't go into all the details.
I'll just give you the highlights…well the lowlights
that is…
We began dating. Our families were elated. He was a
double Ivy league graduate. He was part of that
exclusive club of Black men, like my oldest brother,
that had gone to Harvard. There were lavender roses;
there was a rather large diamond engagement ring and a
wedding to plan.
He called every day. Actually he called me ALL day. He
wanted to know where I was and what I was doing ALL the
time. He wanted to be with me ALL the time. I thought it
was love. I didn't know it was control.
The first time he flipped out on me, I thought it was my
fault. The second time it was worse and I thought
something was very wrong. He said it was a medication
that he was taking. He promised to go to the doctor and
get the dose adjusted. I forgave him and moved in his
house. I did not know there was name for this, verbal
abuse.
The first night before I had even unpacked he terrorized
me. He yelled and criticized and berated me for hours.
This went on all night long. I had given up my
apartment. All my belongings were in storage under his
name and I had nowhere to go. He abruptly stopped
yelling and became loving again. At that time I was
working on a local television show, "AM Los Angeles." I
was due at the studio in a few hours to do a live
broadcast. He drove me to the studio and helped unpack
all the clothes for the fashion segment I was doing. He
made me promise not to tell anyone what had happened. I
was an emotional wreck but the show must go on. I went
on the air and like nothing had happened, did my
segment. The host that day, Johnnie Mountain, told the
city of Los Angeles the romantic story of how I got
engaged at sunrise at the Hollywood Bowl on Easter
Sunday. I sat there smiling on camera and holding my
hand up to show off my engagement ring. That was the day
I lost my soul. I was now officially an abused woman. I
was now a partner in covering up his abusive behavior.
The abuse escalated. I went out for dinner with a
girlfriend and he was waiting for me when I got in and
began screaming and cursing at me. His face was
contorted with anger and his tirade went on for hours.
He threatened to throw all my belongings outside. The
next day he told my mother I had stayed out too late and
he was worried about me. But, my mother had been the
victim of years of emotional abuse by my father and she
was not fooled. There was an article in JET magazine
about James Brown beating his wife with a lead pipe. My
abuser apologized to me and told me he felt he had done
the same thing to me that James Brown had done to his
wife. He said he was sorry and asked me to promise him I
would never leave him. He knew what he did was abuse -
why didn't I know?
This nightmare continued. The cycle of abuse shortened.
He could go upstairs in one personality and come
downstairs in another. I never knew when the monster
would come out. If I fell asleep before he did he got
mad. If I talked on the phone he got mad. It didn't
really matter. I began to live in fear of displeasing
him. I was a traumatized, fragile, non-person. I clung
to him when we went out so he wouldn't accuse me of
looking at anyone. I ran to the phone because I didn't
want to anger him if I didn't pick up right away. I
stopped seeing my friends. I could barely function.
One night he went into a tirade and knocked me over the
couch. He tried to drag me upstairs like the scene in
"What's Love Got To Do With It" when Ike drags Tina down
the hall. I tried to run to the door and he caught me
and began strangling me. At some point his other
personality came out and he began to talk to me and
apologize. He fell asleep and I went upstairs and
barricaded myself in the bedroom. I called my best
friend. To this day I don't know why she didn't call the
police. He woke up and tried to break the door down.
Once he saw me he started crying. I had a black eye and
hand prints around my neck. He got ice for my bruises.
He stayed home from work to take care of me.
The next few days he was loving and very attentive. He
wouldn't let me leave the house until the bruises
healed. When I finally went to a friend's house she knew
something was very wrong with me. She saw traces of a
black eye under my makeup and asked what happened. I
told her I fell. She didn't believe it. That night he
called and left a message on her answering machine that
he was throwing all my clothes outside. Then he called
and said he was keeping all my stuff.
I finally told my friend what happened. I told my
family. They were relieved I was safe and away from him.
Then he called me and the next thing I knew I went back
to him. I went back to the house that he had held me
prisoner and beat the crap out of me. I went back!!! As
I write this I can't understand it. But, it is as if I
was under a spell.
My friends were livid. My mother wanted to knock his
head off. My brother wanted to kill him. But, he had
agreed to my terms. We went to counseling together, to
church and had a weekly Bible study. Everything was
wonderful again until he flipped out again.
I will fast forward here and tell you that he was
arrested and taken off of me at gun point by the police.
The police told me I must press charges because the next
call on this guy would be a homicide. This was before
Nicole Simpson was murdered so he was never brought up
on criminal charges. I wanted to go to court but the
judge let him take a diversion program and go to
counseling. I sued him in civil court. Before the trial
we were forced to go to arbitration. The judge ruled in
my favor. I wanted to make a stand for battered women
and to make sure there would be a record of what he had
done to me. Along the way I found out he was a serial
abuser. I managed to save my life and perhaps another
woman's life.
So, I just want to tell women that there are tell tale
signs and plenty of red flags.
Too much, too soon - wants to get you committed right
away
Over communication - keeping tabs on you.
Too much togetherness - wants to be with you 24/7
Alienates you - causes strife with your family and
friends.
Criticizes you - tries to undermine your self-worth
Dominates you - tries to be your parent
Flips on you - goes from loving to mean in an instant
Hot Temper - yells at service people, the dog and you
Blames you - tries to find reasons you made him go out
of control
Don't wait until he hits you. First is verbal abuse,
then emotional abuse and finally after you are a shell
of yourself there is physical abuse. If they started by
hitting you then you would leave. But, first they
destroy your self esteem and rattle your sense of
reality then they can hit you and you will stay!
There is no type of woman that gets abused. Woman of all
races, educational levels and economic classes are being
abused daily. Yes, women who are financially dependent
have a more difficult time leaving, but being
emotionally dependent sets you up to be a victim. It is
like the Elephant that is held by a metal chain around
its leg as a baby then as an adult can be held by a thin
rope. Mentally, if a woman is chained she won't leave or
she will keep going back to her abuser.
If you know someone who you think is being abused they
probably are. I can always tell. Women act like
frightened, pathetic, lost creatures when they are being
abused. Call the police and go to their house. Get the
family and friends together and do an intervention. They
are sick. It isn't love. It is an illness. And men, get
together and roll on him. Stand up for women. Men that
beat up women are cowards. They will not stand up to
another man much less a group of men. Call them out!
The best possibility of stopping the cycle of abuse is
to get help. Both the abuser and the abused need
professional psychological help. Whether they have been
abused as children or feel inadequate for some reason,
the result is pathological. This doesn't go away. It
always gets worse. Abusers kill or are killed. Over
2,000,000 women are battered every year and ten percent
of those end up murdered by their abuser. Thirty four
percent of women in prison were abused and 50% of the
women who commit homicides, murder their husband or
boyfriend citing years of physical abuse at the hands of
their victim.
I started off by saying I don't know what happened
between Chris Brown and Rhianna Fenty and I don't. But,
I do know that in the time it took you to read this
note, fifty women have been battered and before this day
is over four women will have been killed.
It's easy to judge or call a woman a fool because she
stays or goes back to her abuser but if you get her the
help she needs you could save her life. --- Adj
© 2009 Angela de Joseph ---
fit.fab@gmail.com
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